Release The Kraken!

The 1987 historical classic, The Last Emperor, was a really long movie – so far as I recall, the only movie I saw at a theatre with an intermission. The scene I most vividly recall was set one morning with a host of servants flapping about the boy emperor getting him dressed. The court doctor was shown dissecting the boy’s morning stool and advising the royal chef to add more meat to the day’s menu.

Fast forward 20 years to my arrival in Bavaria, and I encountered the “Austrian Poo Shelf”. Not, I am sure, the official name, but my own title for a unique style of toilet bowl with an elevated catching tray that makes it almost impossible not to inspect your production. I learned that this design was made popular by the Hapsburgs in the era of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Unfortunately this bowl design requires a lot of water to flush, so has fallen out of favor in recent years.

The point, however, is that emperors East and West believed in monitoring their poop as an indicator of overall health. I think that they were on to something. This is a direct feedback loop on your nutrition, hydration and gut health updating daily with a max 48 hour lag time (under normal circumstances; your mileage may vary.) There are not many biomarkers that are free, timely and frequent – so why wouldn’t you use it?

I don’t actually log my logs (sorry) or rank them against the Bristol Stool Scale. I find it sufficient to keep an eye on what’s happening. It is easy to see if you’ve been drinking enough fluid or getting enough fiber. I am not at the level of the Chinese Emperor’s court doctor, but it is helpful and easy. It still surprises me when Daughters 1 or 2 tell me they have a tummy ache and then look at me with bemused distaste when I ask them if their poo is normal. Seems like the obvious question to me…